Where do I come from?

     Hi! The guy on the left was me, about 3 years ago,(33 years old). This was during one of the bodytalk courses I took back then. What's Bodytalk? I'll talk about it later, I like to do things in order so...

     I was born into a poor family in Montreal, Quebec. I have a sister who's 5 years older than me, a mom and a dad (obviously). We didn't live in luxury, we didn't lack anything but we never really traveled or had family vacation. I never learned anything about arts or sports either, I never shown any interest in anything until...

 

     My father liked technology though, so when I was 3 or 4, he brought the first console in the household, an Atari! Now THAT was interesting to me. I could barely hold the remote but I always wanted to play. I would often throw a tantrum because my sister was better than me, that would soon change...

 

      After that we got the Nintendo when it came out. I remember playing that ALL the time. It actually is because of gaming that I learned English, back then translation didn't really exist, if you wanted to understand what was going, you had to learn to read English! So I always had my dad come over, get me unstuck and have me read what was happening... every 5 minutes hahaha!

     It was frustrating for him, but for me also, I didn't like the feeling of frustration of not being able to do something or being dependent on something or someone. A feeling that would follow me for a long time...

 

     Suffice to say my youth has been spent jumping from consoles to consoles, games to games, ignoring everything else that was happening in the world. I didn't know the words back then, but I was always an anxious kid, rarely at ease around strangers, living only to go back to the basement to play more video games, my sweet haven. Everything else, every other activity felt like an insurmountable mountain to climb and deemed it not worth my time and effort.

 

     When I was 10 years old, my parents divorced. My mom found out my dad was cheating on her for years and kicked him out. It was a good thing in retrospect, because of the split custody, I got to learn to know a bit about my father. I never spent a lot of time with him when my mom was around, she was my favorite person so she always took precedence over him.

 

     I'm very happy about those few days I spent learning to know about my father, because 8 months later, he would pass away in a sudden heart attack, he was 46 years old. Doctors said it was cholesterol, or over exertion (he died the day after he moved houses), I say he was unhappy about the life he was living and decided to call it quits. You see, he himself lost his mother when he was very young and his father just passed a few months prior. Maybe he experienced everything he wanted to accomplish, I don't know.

 

     So during that time, my mother remarried to an abusive husband and for some reason, (she said love), she would let herself be abused by that man for years. Mostly emotional and psychological abuse, he was very smart you see and knew exactly what to say and do to get what he wanted. She eventually managed to let him go, with the cops and a good friend's help. Thank god I had a Super Nintendo and the Playstation came out during that time, plenty of ways to ignore more stuff happening around me!

     Oh and I forgot to mention, my sister also got pregnant the year my father passed away, as if there wasn't enough happening that year! She's the lovely lady on the right, and yes that's me with her, back when I had hair!

 

     So fast forward in time, I finished high school, enrolled in private college in computer programming, dropped out because I never learned to "study" and be "disciplined". In my mind it took too much "effort" and I didn't like being surrounded with all these people so I just quit after spending thousands of dollars.

 

     Soon after my mother told me I had to help pay the rent if i wasn't going to school, so I reluctantly took a job at the local hardware store, on the NIGHT shift, I figured I'd see less people, less traffic, more gaming time, see a trend here? I was building my life around gaming, everything that took me away from the comfort of it, I wanted nothing to do with it.

     I know it's taking forever but bear with me, I'm almost done! So time skip again, I spent 10 years at that hardware store, I learned a LOT working with public, learned to work with other people, I learned to handle forklifts, I learned that my gaming skills transferred to warehouse work. I always wanted to be the best, do the most efficient work in the most efficient way (like in a game!).

 

     I fell in love, got my first break up, learned to drive a car, got into a car accident, learned I couldn't handle alcohol, lost my hair, learned that my hair looked better shaved, learned I hated to be bossed around, that I was worth more than what I was giving out work wise. So I used that pent up frustration from 10 years of unrecognized work to change to a job where I did 50% more money for less work, how's that about moving up in the world?

     That work lasted 6 months though, but at least I was out of that underpaid job. During all that time I was living with my mother. At first it was by convenience, I mean more money for gaming! I didn't mind her presence and I wasn't very popular with the ladies (I was pretty shy too), so it was okay. Over time, she got gradually ill, and at the end couldn't work, drive, or walk on her own. She didn't want to change her diet so diabetes started attacking her nerves. That and she also had "fibromyalgia", which is chronic pain from unknown causes, which appears in different spots for different people. Also labeled as the "I don't know what you have ailment" so let's prescribe copious amount of morphine.

     At that point in time, my mother was completely addicted to morphine, which destroyed her heart, kidneys, memory and motor skills. Usually people take morphine only for a short lapse of time, she was on it consistently for 5 years. She spent half of that last year in hospitals, on and off. Having to call ambulances when she would fall down and unable to stand up, bear in mind that she's only 60. Some people might judge me here, but I realized I couldn't take care of my mother anymore. I was seeing her as a black hole absorbing all my energies. I couldn't leave the house without worrying if she would fall down again, working was really stressful because of that. That year she got an offer to go live with her sister in Alberta, saying she'd be taken care off, that spending time in nature would do her good and everything. So I told her I couldn't live with her anymore and urged her to take her sister's offer.

     That's my mother on the left. It's not her most glorious shot but probably her most honest. She was always one to have a good amount of make up on, being presentable was very important to her. Always trying to make people laugh and she just made you feel welcomed. It was hiding a lot of depression and pain though, like most people are anyways. 

 

     So at that point, I had quit my job, had to move away from the apartment I was living in, my plan to move with my friend failed during the last month before I moved and I had to pack my mother's stuff and ship it to her in Alberta. Wow.

 

     In retrospect that was a CRAZY month. Like I mentioned previously, I was a pretty shy person, I was super anxious and I had 3 weeks left to organize, pack, find an apartment, find a job and move. Yikes. So can anyone guess what I was doing in such a busy period? That's right! I was playing video games! Haha! Escapism at it's best. With the pressure and the move date quickly approaching, I had no choice but to find an apartment, even if making phone calls made me sweat profusely.

     I managed to find a landlord who would give me a chance. He has to trust a guy with no job moving into his first apartment, but I went all in and offered him to pay 2 months of rent up front, guaranteeing him I'd find a job within the first month. He was in a pinch, only a week or two left to lease so he let me have it! I was so happy! My first apartment, all my efforts paid off! I was feeling blessed that he put his trust in me, but I had the conviction everything would work out in the end.

 

     Oh and during that time my sister was living in our apartment also, so I had to move her stuff out, as she no longer was in Quebec at that time. My previous landlord came around and told me I had a lot of stuff to move out, and felt I wasn't going to make it in time. So he gave me 300$ to move out earlier, or make sure I was moved out before the following tenant moved in. Hearing that made me take actions and called all my friends to come help me, we had to make a lot of trips to the dump and goodwill, it's crazy how much stuff three people can accumulate over time!

 

     Finally, after much efforts during the hottest day of the summer, I was finally moved to my new apartment! Now I only needed a job to pay for it...

 

     But lo and behold! I had my mind set for my future job for months now, I sent one CV and got it on the spot. The highest paying job I ever had at this point. I felt invincible, everything I was envisioning was turning into reality. This really helped me fight off anxiety as I was learning I could manifest very positive outcomes when i put efforts into it.

 

     So let's finish this episode on a good note, follow me for the next episode "Esoteric teachings and energy work!"

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